Finding the Beauty in Body Image

Yesterday was interesting, I spent my day as I usually do, with my close photographer friends at SFCC, followed by a Valentines feast at Zip's, A hair cut, a photo shoot, and finally Dinner with my other half.
As of lately I seem to be thinking of media's portrayal of beauty. I fear that sometimes my own body image can effect how I behave, I am shamed to admit I spitefully fish for backhanded complements by shining up like a new penny twenty percent of my time, and honestly maybe not giving any shits about what I look like on a normal day to day basis.

I am a big girl, I am pretty sure I always have been. or at least I don't remember the day I became so "chubby". In my hospital records I am labeled as"morbidly obese".
I would rather not go to the doctor anymore, because as a "fat-smoker" there is no end to the lectures from men with higher educations, thinking that they know more than me; how unhealthy I am, Causing some sort of resolution in my mind that being fat is a choice and I did this to myself. Its a guity feeling.

last night (Valentines night), My lover wanted me to do push ups and crunches. He is a very athletic man. HVAC during the day, holding ten pound drills over his head for a majority of his day. I made excuses, I told him it was not in my plans on this night to exercise; right after drinking beer and eating steak. That I just wanted to relax and have a romantic night. But really; I was being overly sensitive about my body image. I wanted to be celebrated not forced to make my muscles hurt.

Analyzing last night, I was just being a bitch, I admit. I am a woman and I have this super power to just pull out my bitch card, and actually think I am having a logical, emotion free discussion. I have my faults. My lover, My best friend thinks I am beautiful. He tells me this. But he also wants so badly for me to be healthy enough to enjoy his favorite outdoor activities without totally leaving me in the dust. <--- This is something I have always known.

CopyRight Ashley Tomlinson 2013

I think overweight girls are not as easily offended; PUBLICLY. We laugh it off, making jokes about our selves. I am sure with the the subconscious thought that if we are the first to point the finger at our selves it defuses the people around us. At home we think conscientiously of the things we put into our body, tie our emotions to what we eat, when we work out and guilt our selves into thinking so hard about the way we look we forget to just get up and move, to worried about how to fix the problem we never actually deal with it.
I hope that producing images that make us thing critically about what is already a never ending battle in our minds, and just get up and make things happen. To make images like these I have to get up and stop feelinf sorry about my own body, stop making excuses, stop being self conscience over what my body is going to look like if I decided to jump on a trampoline.

I as find the imagery I want to make, body image is something that will always drive my spirit. as of recently I have been making photographs that play on the fears, hopes an insecurities I have faced being my size.
Last spring one of my amazing class-mates helped me to create a self portrait that spoke of confidence, that made me feel like some sort of superhero, braving the world in a body that says nothing about my humanity.
Clara Wilson of Smoke and Mirrors photography made my brave vision come to life, when it came down to it, she saw my vision my hope. I was too self conscience to edit the photos my self, to be forced to actually look at the photographs instead of the imperfections, the curves, the cellulite, the rolls of fat. Its a hard truth to really look at all your imperfections emphasized.

These are some of my favorite shots from that conceptualized shoot with Clara, her edits are beautiful and she managed to find some beautiful expressions of me. I could not have accomplished this without her skill and ability to make me feel confident when in front of the camera instead of behind it..

Through this imagery I hope to give confidence to little girls. To women who sit in front of the mirror and judge themselves, poking and prodding what is only the vessel for our being, the thing that holds who we are. realizing that round is also a shape that contains beauty.

Though I think this is going to be quite the battle for me internally, I need to do this. I need people to see that body image is something we all need to think about more critically. We need to love what we have, and take care of it.

Photographically Motivated