24.

Life is crazy, I have recently found myself   in a few familiar positions. Feeling pulled in all sorts of directions, The world spinning so fast around me, trying to please people, to not only end up somewhat disappointed, but hurt and heart broken. Things are blurry. The Future is Blurry, but one thing I have figured out since is that... Blurry is okay, I can still make out the shapes, I can still see it.  I guess I am at the point in my life where adult hood starts to get monotonous and stressful. Kind of a contradiction as it’s said, but I think many people in my situation would tend to agree.

I was always one of those people, who might give off the impression that I refuse to grow up, that I believe losing that inner child would in turn- mold me into this robot, stuck in one place with no soft-wear updates.  The truth is, growing up is not so hard, Its not hard to make wise decisions, its really just as easy as making compulsive ones.  Young adulthood is this strange limbo in which we still want to have fun, but understand the consequences of doing so.

Recently I have been tossed hard over the fence of life, have been smacked in the face by reality and have regained an independence I once knew, but now really feel flowing outside of me.  I forgot how strong I could be, Just a friendly reminder from the universe to never get to comfortable in one spot  and always allow your self to evolve.

I recently left an abusive relationship, moved out of my house into a basement, with my animals and to top it all off was pretty unclear about weather or not I would be able to finish my last quarter at school because of a silly paperwork mistake I made.  All these things have been huge stressers, But I feel so much more adult about the decisions I made in this process without losing my self or falling apart.

This is my first major assignment at school this quarter, To tell a story about something meaningful, so here it is.

There once was a girl,  21 years old. So dark and alone, who feared everything she might fail at, who was so afraid of what sorrow tomorrow would bring her. She had been looking for the warmth, for the light of the world.

She was afraid of who she was, of real love, afraid of rejection from peers and lovers alike. She did not respect her self.  She let people walk on her emotions, let others use her for anything she might have worth giving.

This beautiful girl was broken, alone, and could not see the future to clearly, could not see past the pain that often times she caused her self.  Putting forth more of an effort to secure relationships rather than a life she could call her own.

She was looking for the light, looking for possibility and for purpose. She wanted to live a selfless life and help change the world.

I was that girl, I wanted so badly to make my parents proud, to be married, to have a family of my own to love and teach kindness to. I wanted to have a little girl and name her Audrey Jane, I wanted to live in a vicorian with three stories and a little white fence. I wanted a fairy tale, and the well livers of life know such things are imaginary.

That girl, she found where light is always important, where it is the magic. She found photography.

Here I am now, 24. I am this strong woman, I respect my self, I am grateful. I am happy. Physical things mean less to me than ever. I grow with love everyday, I try to see all sides, all perspectives of the problems that I have. For once, when my dominos fall, some (the important ones) remain standing.

I finally like being alone, I like who I have become, and what I evolve into everyday. I am constantly better, I remove my self from conversations in which I hear hurtful and negative things.

I have one quarter left of school, I am almost done with this crazy part of my life, getting ready to move on with my life, to travel and live somewhere I have never before. I have finally realized that my potential is to great to be wasted with a life of sadness, laziness and self pity.

I have to do this all for me, for MY morals For what I believe in. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to feel so alone, that for once I stop worrying about what others think of me, and weather I like my self or not.

In some ways I feel my hearts sadness, when I stop to breath after thinking about how I have been left, the fact that my strength over comes it all. The fact I can cope with my never ending anxiety on a daily basis and still come out shiny.

I can do this adulthood thing. I can do this on my own.

Its is my goal to stop worrying about my "relationships" Not entirely, just the ones that black and white will define my future. I will not put others "needs" in front of mine. I NEED to do this for my self. I will not change my plan because of a spouse, I will not make it more convenient to set aside my goals and dreams for the benefit of others

I am 24, this is what it feels like.
Adulthood is hard and monotonous.
Life is unpredictable and unforgiving
So I better put on my big girl panties

 its all up to me now.