Like a jolt from the paddles.

There is never an easy way to admit that you have been selfish, or worried about things that are just out of your control. As a very sociable girl with major anxiety I trade time with people in the most selfish ways possible. I have always known that anxiety has held me back, but until this last weekend I felt I was doing nothing wrong, I was just living my life according to what "normal" standards are.

So I have been doing the same damn things for the past three months of my life, (most likely more). I get up, go to school. Feel guilty. Work through school work. Feel guilty. Come home to my dog (and now cat) feel guilty I left them all day.

Guilt first and foremost is the driving force in holding my self back. I tend to over think. I feel guilty when I can not contribute in a positive way. But that's what friends are for right? To lean on one another. My closest friends have played very important rolls in my life. I feel guilty for not spending more time with them. Not because they miss me, (which they have told me like, a million times) But because I miss the person I am when I am around them.

My family is not the closest, and we also have a lot of issues. (DON'T BE OFFENDED)
So from a young age I tried to surround my self with people who built me up, who made me feel better about my self and who believed in me without a bias, which as we all know is not true. ( Your always biased around those you love unconditionally)

I know that most people conclude that they have the best friends in the world, but I might beg to differ.
These people are so intelligent, most of them college graduates, not that has anything to do with. These people inspire me to follow my dreams, because the believe in a girl who is sometimes selfish and mostly strange. They like who I am all the time, shitty mood, good mood. It does not matter.

When I woke this morning I was a little saddened because my best friend in the ENTIRE world, took his amazing girlfriend back to their home in Chicago after a short weekend visit. They moved last October, and it has literally been the hardest thing I have gone through. I can't be mad, They both deserve to live the life of their dreams. The most hospitable, selfless people in my life. Two people who have supported me for some of the most difficult years of my life. My heart breaks a little more saying goodbye to them, even though I know that its never really goodbye until one of us dies.

I with the two most beautiful people I know spent the weekend in the woods along with the craziest and greatest people in the universe.

To give you a hint of what my friend circle is like, lets start by occupation.
There is a butcher (who also takes amazing photographs, his girlfriend the singer.
An engineer who plays bass like a rock-star on the weekends.
A painter
A pin up girl/ Mom
A wood worker/ Bouncer
My best friend Kyle the marketing guru/comedian and is saint of a partner Peggy who got her degree in hospitality because she loves making people feel at home and loved no matter where they take off their coat.

More then this people of all walks of life, a friend who just joined the NAVY, as well as the usual extras that quickly become friends after a weekend with us.

These are just some of them. I know a future dentist assistant that this now living her life in Hawaii, and a whole slew of people in Seattle and around the world living out their dreams. Talk about inspirational.

we are all so different. WE are all so Beautiful.

Like a shock from the paddles I was alive again, I have been so fed up in what is the stagnate life of an adult.
The person I am when I am around my friends, is this beautiful, talented and confident woman that I long to be in every other category in my life.

These people are family, are friends and pretty much the best kind of influence a person could ask for.

So to you, my paddles, and shoulders, my ears and my confidence.
Thank you so much for all you contribute into my exsistance. You are the people I want to come to in my darkest times, the people I want to share my accomplishments and my life with. I love you more then I can understand really. I long to make you proud, to be wonderful in your eyes.

Gratitude is most of the time the only thing I have to give. Thank you for making that an acceptable form of payment for all you gracious people have done for me in the mean time. I am so blessed. I mean it. Some people are not lucky enough to have any support system, let alone a family.

Kyle and Pegs. I miss you. I miss coming to you all the time, But you make me feel like I am such an incredible person, that I have grown into this woman that you did not know back during are roomie days. You gave me a chance, I was strange, money-less and had a dream. You pushed me out of my anxieties into a whole new beautiful world that I had not even know existed. You taught me to test myself before others and to really try and understand other human beings.

I wish I could just drive to you house and hug you.

Thanks for introducing me to incredible people who love me just as much as you do and have. You make this life, just that.